He's a bumpkin!*

Because it is August and because his birthday is in August, and because he was an excellent date to our dear friend Bethany Kent’s fantastic 30^th birthday soiree, and for a bunch of other reasons (some of which, I suppose, you are about to read below), I would like to tell you, today, 10 reasons that my friend John is great.

First, I will tell you a little about John. We met in college in 2005 when he moved in to become roommates with my friend Dillon. Dillon’s roommate hadn’t shown up for some reason, and John moved in several weeks into the school year. The first few weeks of them living together were a little strange (as first weeks with a new roommate often are), but they quickly became great friends. That year, Dillon had a lot of early classes, while I don’t think I had a single class before 11 am, so Dillon, his girlfriend (and now wife) Laura and I started getting breakfast together regularly before Dillon’s 8 am classes. John started joining us, and hilarity ensued. Said hilarity included things like The Cannibal King (which is way too long and weird a story to appreciate unless you were there, which, if you are reading this, you probably were not), something to do with the phrase “…and then I got blueberry” (which none of us completely remembers, though it still makes us all laugh), and something else long since forgotten which resulted in John being named “Detective” in my phone to this day. The picture that shows up when he calls is one of an unnamed member of the High School Musical cast holding his track jacket open to show his white tshirt emblazoned with the letter “M,” which probably about 2 other people in the world would find as funny as John and I do.

Other things about John: when we met, John was dating a guy who will remain nameless, but who, once they broke up, we all began to refer to as “Miss Patty” (because of his sharing a name with a character on the show Gilmore Girls). Once, on a morning when I was not feeling well and skipped breakfast, John and Dillon went to the dining hall and somehow smuggled an omelet out for me between two dining hall plates. Oh, and once John made his AIM away message read that he was going to breakfast with his “ho,” and clarified, “and by ‘ho,’ I mean: best lady friend who also loves the Jews.” Which is just hilarious and awesome.

John transferred away from URI after that year and went for a year to Roger Williams University, and then to the University of Michigan, but we always kept in touch (despite having only gone to school together for one year), and when he graduated a few years later, Beth and I somehow convinced him to move back to Rhode Island. They lived together for I think two years before Beth moved to Philadelphia and John moved out to live alone in what was basically a tiny studio apartment, except for its massive kitchen (complete with a sink which, if I remember correctly, produced only boiling hot water). Now he lives with his fiancé, Tyler.

Anyway, now that you know a little about him, here is a list of ten reasons that John is the best:

1.     Tyler
It’s a little lame to start a list of reasons my friend John is awesome with his significant other, but I can’t say enough good things about John’s boyfriend FIANCE (!!) Tyler. He’s just a super smart, funny, fun guy and John brought him into my life and I am super grateful for that.

2.     Two beer straight

I doubt this is still the case, but when we were in college, John referred to himself as a “two beer straight.” This was to say, if you gave John a few drinks, he suddenly got a lot more interested in girls. I once had to fend him off from a drunken make-out. One time, he went away for the weekend to New York, and when he came home and I asked how it was, he shrugged and said, “Had some drinks. Touched a boob.”

2a. John also once clarified for a group of us girls (while rather drunk, and about 22 so he can no longer be held accountable for these types of statements), “It’s not that I don’t like girls…it’s just that you have icky parts.”

3.     Taste in music

So as to protect the innocent, I will refrain from listing any of the songs on the mix John made for us to listen to the last time we spent a lot of time in the car together. Because it would be a fairly embarrassing list. What I will say is, I loved every second of it because it was perfectly us. He is my guilty pleasure musical soul mate.

4.     Uncle John

John and Tyler always show up for Liam’s birthday, and have so far only given him hats. They are always the hit of the party, and they’ve decided it’s just going to be what they do for him. Liam, by the way, just loves one of the ones he received this year (a little straw fedora) and has taken to putting it on and then dancing around until it falls off. And then laughing hysterically.

5.     “I Love Lucy”
Every morning before work, John watches old reruns of either “I Love Lucy” or “The Golden Girls.” No further explanation needed, amirite? Because that’s just about the most endearing thing ever.

6.     News Junkie

…The reason for his morning viewing habits is that John hates all morning news shows. Not because he hates news. On the contrary, in fact: John reads at least three online newspapers every day. He is probably the most well informed person I know at any given time. And it’s just because he finds it interesting. When I once suggested, while in college, that he should major (or at least minor) in political science, he said he didn’t want to because if it was something he was getting graded on, he might not lie it anymore. Yeah, he’s pretty cool.

7.     Obsessions

Like any normal Gen Y-er (which is, I think, the generation we’re both a part of?), John has some random, kind of weird obsessions. I won’t list the ones that would give away some of the songs on the aforementioned road trip mix, but I will tell you that he knows more about the Olympics than anybody else in the entire world (of this I have no doubt), and has an interesting affinity for Canada. It might sound like a throw-away list item, but anybody who knows John just loves these things about him, and I’m sure this would be on their lists, too, if they made them.

8.     Designed by JFo

Unless I am mistaken, John taught himself how to use Illustrator. Even if he had someone teach it to him, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s great at it. I have, so far, loved everything he’s ever designed (as far as I know). I am secretly (although not-so-secretly if I am posting it here on the internet) hoping that he will design a logo or header for this blog right here. Check out some of his awesome work here.

9.     Totally invented the selfie

I know you think the selfie was invented by some self-important celebrity or President Obama or somebody, but I am here to tell you that it was invented—and perfected—by my friend John. He was taking selfies before you even thought to turn your great aunt’s camera around and take a funny picture of yourself for her to find later. We used to joke that you could print all of John’s self portraits into a flip-book and the background would change but his position, the direction of his gaze, or smirk on his face would not. I’m just saying, whomever that chick is who made the YouTube video of how to take a perfect selfie? Probably learned it from John.

10. Holiday dinners

Because John is from Michigan and lives in Rhode Island, he doesn’t make it home for a lot of holidays. Because I am from Rhode Island and live in Rhode Island, I do. And because my mom has sort of adopted John, he has quite a few of those holiday dinners with us. He has eaten Thanksgiving with us the past few years and before he started a crazy tradition with a friend of his for Christmas dinner, he would have those with us, too. This has led to a lot of insane and silly times, including the advent of Box Communications (our shell corporation that we intended to sell to local television provider Cox Communications), the dismantling and reconstruction of an antique wooden centerpiece of my mother’s, and one Christmas a few years ago where John, Kurt, my brother Tan and I all sat on my mother’s couch, bewildered, while we listened to all 20 tracks of Meowy Christmas by the Jingle Cats (look it up, it’ll rock your world). This is all to say that he fits right in with my family and I think is now an official member of it. Tyler started coming to Thanksgiving last year (the year of the Pie Incident which I will explain no further) and he is fitting into the whole thing quite nicely, which I think bodes quite well for their marriage.

Well, there it is: ten reasons that John is an excellent friend and person. I realized while rereading the list that a lot of it will only make sense to John and me but I suppose that’s kind of the point. It might seem to the uneducated reader that a lot of it is a funny title followed by my explanation of “I can’t tell you what this means,” but he’ll get it. And I have to say, having a friend to whom you cannot give public compliments without being totally embarrassing is actually a pretty stellar thing. Happy birthday, Juan-y baby! 

*Not really. But it was the perfect subject line.